– Dr. Débora Spradling
Being a mom is one of the most transformative experiences in the human experience and brings with it many moments of love and snuggles and lots of laughter. However, while it’s often portrayed as a time of pure joy and bliss, the reality is that the journey of motherhood is a complex one. Moms, and new moms in particular, often find themselves navigating a whirlwind of emotions and expectations, and it’s essential to understand that it’s entirely okay to feel many different emotions at the same time.
In the complicated rollercoaster of motherhood, it is common to feel like you “should” have certain emotions, while others feel shameful or “wrong.” When we can take a “Yes, and” perspective of motherhood, we can begin to change our narratives to be honest and self-compassionate. Let’s explore this together a bit!
The Myth of Motherhood
Society loves to place unrealistic expectations on moms, creating the narrative that they “should” be nothing but ecstatic about their new role. While motherhood is undoubtedly a profound and beautiful experience, it’s also one of the most challenging ones, and it is ok to name that! Recognizing that motherhood is not 100% happy moments is a valid and important step in caring for yourself.
Here we can say:
YES, motherhood is an amazing journey, AND it is a difficult one.
The Emotions New Moms May Experience
It is also important to recognize that you may be feeling a range of emotions during this journey, and that they are all real and valid.
You may be feeling:
a. Joy and Happiness: The birth of a child can be a moment of deep happiness. Those heartwarming moments of bonding and watching your baby grow can bring great joy.
b. Anxiety and Worry: With a new baby comes a heightened sense of responsibility. Worrying about their health, safety, and whether you’re doing everything “right” is entirely normal.
c. Exhaustion: Sleepless nights and the demands of a newborn or little ones can lead to physical and emotional exhaustion.
e. Overwhelm: The sheer volume of new information, advice, and responsibilities can be overwhelming. You may be feeling like you’re drowning in tasks and emotions.
f. Frustration and Irritation: The lack of sleep and the demands of caring for a newborn can lead to moments of frustration and irritation.
It is it valid, real, and important to hold some, if not all, of these emotions (and others) at the same time.
YES I am happy, AND I am worried.
YES I am happy, AND I am frustrated.
YES I am happy, AND I am overwhelmed.
Our emotions co-exist, and one does not invalidate the other. Your feelings of being overwhelmed and frustrated do not exist in opposition to your feelings of love and joy for your child. We can be 100% in love with this new baby, and 100% terrified of what is still to come. We can make space to hold both.
“Mom Guilt”
Though it is easy to say here that it is ok to hold these multiple emotions at once, that is not often how it feels. More often than not, any negative emotion associated with motherhood is quickly followed by a sense of guilt or shame that you “shouldn’t” feel frustrated, you “should” only feel grateful. Any negative emotions are automatically associated with not being a “good enough” mom. Adding onto this “mom guilt” is a persistent sense of not measuring up to the unrealistic standards society sets for motherhood.
When we hold a “Yes, and” mentality, this creates space for us to bring some compassion into the humanity of never measuring up to the unrealistic standards set for both our emotions and our actions.
The important of acceptance and self-compassion
What our “Yes, and” stance allows us to do is create an emotional and mental space for ourselves that has room for us to accept our feelings as they are and show ourselves the kindness and love we need. When you do this, you can be honest with yourself about what support and resources you need to be the mother that you want to be!
Acknowledging and accepting your emotions can be a powerful step toward a healthier and happier motherhood journey. Because, at the end of the day, you are doing your best, and that is all you can ask of yourself.
